Tenacious

This one's going to be pretty deep and personal, so don't say I didn't warn you.

I will probably have immediate sharer's remorse, but here goes.

Today marks 300 days since my one and only sister died (I know, what a happy way to kick things off).

It also marks 300 days since I stopped drinking alcohol.

I suppose I could have waited until the one-year mark to talk about this, but I felt like today was a good day to share.

I tell you all that not to get your sympathy or awkward applause but to talk about the reality I find myself in today.

I feel my sister sitting with me as I write today, and I am being very gentle with my words as I want to honor her and the road we have been walking together since she passed.

My sister died unexpectedly at only 60, and the shock of that truth still reverberates through those of us who knew and loved her.

When the reality of what happened began to sink in, something within me knew that I needed to be clear and fully conscious to get through the difficult days ahead, so I decided not to drink.

I wanted to have energy and clarity and not add on any excess anxiety so that I could not only support my sister's husband, her children, and my family but also be able to feel the difficult feelings instead of pushing them away as I so often had.

Thankfully, I had made a decision months before that to start seeing a therapist (thank you, God, for sending your helpers to us), and as I shared with her what had happened with my sister and my decision to not numb or escape with alcohol, she said something that shook me.

"Your sister has given you a great gift."

I'm crying as I write those words.

When my therapist said that, I felt my sister with me and felt her strength, assuring me that together, we were going to get through this.

Even in death, my big sister was still trying to take care of me.

Like many of us, addiction has built its nest upon the branches of my family tree.

And, like many of us, the weight of addiction has broken many that I love.

The impact of addiction is a secret shame that many hide, and as these months have passed and I've opened up and shared with people what's been happening, I've learned about so many who suffer in shame and silence.

No shame or silence here. Ain’t got time for that nonsense.

So here I am today, 300 days later.

I am slightly braver and a little wiser, doing my best to live life and move forward.

I wasn't planning on not drinking for this long, but as the days and months passed, I found that I really liked not having alcohol in my body.

The more I thought about it and recalled all the ways it hurt me and those I love, the more I started questioning why the heck I would want to ingest something that seeks to destroy me.

There are no judgments here; believe me.

This is just the journey I'm on right now as I continue to unwrap this precious gift that my sister left me.

I feel the ache of the loss of my sister's physical presence.

But I feel her with me, and this day reminds me that I must carry on with her tenacious spirit helping me as I follow God forward.

Tenacious - that describes my sister Chris so well.

Holding fast, persistent, stubborn, obstinate, vicious, not easily pulled asunder.

Yep, that's Chris, alright.

Life is fragile and fleeting, friends. I know I don't need to tell you that.

Grief reminds us that we don't have time to waste.

The sadness we feel not only helps us to love and honor those who have died but also reminds us that our time is fleeting and that the choices we make in how we spend our days, hours, and minutes matter.

I want to honor Chris and pull down any nests that don't belong on the branches of my life.

I'm feeling all fired up right now.

I want to be freaking tenacious with the days I have left on this Earth.

I have no idea when my number will be called. I'm praying I have lots of time to keep rocking and follow God to where He leads me.

And with that precious time, I want to make my big sister proud and use this gift she gave me to live bravely and tenaciously and give our family tree some new life.

Just call me Tenacious E (IYKYK).

1 Corinthians 10: 12-13

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Romans 5: 3-5

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

James 1: 17-18

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.