Feeling Forward

It took me many years to be able to accurately finish this sentence, especially in times of stress, anxiety, or fear.

I am feeling _____________.

I was more interested in avoiding my feelings than actually naming or feeling them.

I couldn't be bothered with acknowledging what I was going through amidst the drama and trauma that surrounded me.

Who's got time for that?

So, I pushed all the feelings down, bellowing the "I'm fine" anthem we have addressed along our journey together.

When those little buggers wanted to rise up, I'd silence them, numb them, and shove them down further as I put on a happy face, and went along my merry way.

I thought I was protecting myself this way and considered myself quite clever in ignoring my emotions.

I reveled at the compliments, "You are so strong and brave. I don't know how you do it!"

The truth was, though, I wasn't doing "it." Those feelings kept trying to come up, and I just kept pushing, numbing, and faking it, hoping that one day, I would indeed make "it."

Whatever "it" is.

I played this game for decades, but at some point, those feelings wouldn't be ignored any longer.

I became stopped up and stuck and had to allow all the feelings to come up and out.

I knew if I was to move forward, I had to do the work necessary to be free.

Insert lots of sobs, prayers, therapy sessions, healing experiences, and drops of wisdom from fellow travelers.

All of that brought me to believe and receive that God was always there, protecting me and giving me the ability to acknowledge and feel those feelings.

You'd think all this feeling stuff would keep you stuck, just going over and over how you feel and wallowing in the mucky pit.

In my experience, though, it's been the opposite.

Stopping to acknowledge and feel my feelings gave me dignity and the freedom to move forward.

It was okay to feel the way I felt. I learned that there is no shame in any feeling that would come up.

Stopping, sitting down, and giving the feeling room to be heard allowed for it to pass.

With practice, I could let God's love and comfort in, so I could be kind and patient with myself until the feeling softened or passed.

Without being numbed and bloated with all that stuff pushed down, I could have clarity and the ability to hear God's wisdom and discernment to move forward.

I can now finish the sentence.

I feel happy.

I feel scared.

I feel uncertain.

I feel awkward.

I feel hopeful.

And after that sentence, I can sit with God, be kind to myself, honor my emotions, and keep going.

I am so ready to keep feeling and keep moving forward.

Nothing will stop me up now, and nothing is stopping you either!

It is time to feel what we need to and move forward in dignity, kindness, faith and hope.

God is with us always and forever.

Psalm 62:7

My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 5: 7-9

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.