Unprotected

Let's start our new path today with some tough stuff.

We've talked about abandonment before, but as we talk about the idea of feeling protected, it bears repeating.

I hope this story isn't too much oversharing.

When I was just a toddler, my father moved to another state, and I saw him only a handful of times after he left. As the years passed, he became a distant memory that would only come to mind with the smell of a new car or an old Cat Steven's song.  

I moved on and put the thought of him out of my mind, and shoved the pain down as far as it could reach.

The root of abandonment took hold, buried so deep within me that I didn't t realize the effects it had until decades later.

One day in my 40s, a dear friend and I went to a conference where a pastor spoke. At the end of his sermon, he called people up for prayer.

I thought, hey, why not? I can use all the help I can get.

I slowly made my way up to the front of the room, and he began praying for me. He almost immediately asked if he could stand in the place of my father for a moment.

Oh jeez, this again.

By this point, I was sure I had addressed this and felt slightly annoyed to have to revisit daddy issues that I was sure I had put to rest.

Since I couldn't run away (even though I wanted to), I sheepishly said yes to his request and stood awkwardly as the pastor took his place directly in front of me, uncomfortably close, and placed his hands on my shoulders.

There we stood, eye to eye, nose to nose.

"Can you forgive me for leaving you unprotected?"

Cue the waterworks.

I'm not talking just a few tears; I'm talking guttural sobs from so deep within I didn't know what was happening to me. It was like the pain I hid away for so long was coming up through my eyeballs and throat for all to see and hear.

I fell to the ground in a heap as my friend crawled to my rescue to comfort me.

It was quite a dramatic scene.

I am not exaggerating when I say that moment - that one sentence- changed my life forever.

I wasn't a bad girl. I was unprotected.

It wasn't my fault. I was unprotected.

These realizations changed the way I saw myself forever.

I was a little girl who was left alone, vulnerable to attacks of those who seek out the lost and alone.

Feeling abandoned, unprotected, and unsafe was something I had grown accustomed to as a child.

Accepting that my father left was one thing, but forgiving him for leaving me unprotected and understanding the impact of that choice was a whole other matter.

Pulling out those roots that took hold all those years ago takes a lot of work, that's for sure.

I tell you all this not to get your pity or sympathy but to tell you that there is hope and healing.

God was right there with me all along, especially as I lay in that sobbing heap on that fateful day when everything changed for me.

God found me.

He rescued me.

He saved me.

God whispered His love to me and shone his light in the darkness as He pulled those roots out, one sob at a time.

He lifted my head and assured me that He would never leave or abandon me.

God was and is my permanent protector.

For years now, God and I have been working hard to pull out those stubborn roots.

If you have experienced abandonment, you know that we can be easily triggered. Just when we think we got it all out, something happens that turns on that inner trauma switch.

Knowing w are safe and that people aren't going to leave us or hurt us is not our first instinct.

It's hard to trust.

But with God, all things are possible.

Keep walking with me on this path of protection. We will see how God can seal us in His love and keep us safe along our journey, no matter what comes our way.

God is never going to leave us.

Never.

Ever.

God is with us, always and forever.

Psalm 23: 1-2

The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me], I shall not want. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still and quiet waters.

Psalm 91: 1-2

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will remain secure and rest in the shadow of the Almighty [whose power no enemy can withstand]. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust [with great confidence, and on whom I rely]!"

Romans 8: 37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.